When is Saying Nothing Better Than Saying the Wrong Thing? Introducing The PAUSE framework

Antonina Potanina
Apr 8
5 min read

Founder, Alverca LLC | Professor of Management, Daniels School of Business, Purdue University

Fresh out of high school and eager to earn more than minimum wage, I started working as a painting contractor. Lacking business experience, I became frustrated with a property management company over a loosely negotiated fee structure. I avoided addressing the issue directly because I feared that the owner, known for his fiery personality, would misunderstand my intentions. I worried that saying the wrong thing might make matters worse. Unfortunately, my silence allowed tension to build, leading to a confrontation that reinforced his inaccurate assumptions about me. The business partnership ultimately fell apart—something that could have been avoided if I had spoken up sooner.

This experience is not unique. Many people hesitate to confront conflicts, fearing that saying the wrong thing will escalate the situation and be worse than saying nothing at all. Instead of engaging in an uncomfortable conversation, they choose silence—but silence does not always help. In many cases, it allows misunderstandings to fester and grow into larger problems.

At the same time, there are moments when holding back is wise. Confrontation takes time and energy. So how do we determine when to speak up and when to stay silent?

I offer a five-step framework to help you decide when to engage in confrontation and when to refrain. I call it the PAUSE framework.

The PAUSE Framework: five times when you should hold back.

Before confronting an issue, consider these five factors that spell the word PAUSE:

Priority – When the issue is unimportant

Not every problem is worth addressing. Some conflicts are too minor to justify the effort required for confrontation. Engaging in every disagreement can lead to unnecessary stress, get you into the weeds, reward others’ bad behavior, and divert your attention from bigger priorities.

Example: If a wordsmithing colleague wants to debate every line in a document others won’t read, addressing the issue may not be worth the energy. Pause when it’s not important enough.

Before speaking up ask yourself:

Is this matter going to be of any consequence a year from now?
Is this hill worth dying on?
Am I getting lost in the weeds by spending my time on this?

Aim – When your purpose is unclear

When emotions run high, it’s easy for multiple issues to become tangled together. Misunderstandings, frustrations, and unrelated concerns can blur the root problem. If you cannot clearly define the purpose of the conversation in your own mind, you risk putting the other person on the defensive or escalating the conflict unnecessarily.

Example: If a team member misses a deadline, but your frustration is also fueled by other unrelated tensions, take time to separate the core issue before addressing it.

Before initiating confrontation, take time to sort through your thoughts:

What exactly is bothering you?
What outcome are you hoping to achieve?
Will this conversation help resolve the problem, or are you venting frustration, seeking revenge or validation?

If you lack clarity on your own purpose, pause until you can clearly articulate what you need and why it matters.

Understanding – When your motives will be misunderstood

Trust plays a critical role in how feedback is received. If the person you are confronting questions your motives, they are more likely to become defensive and reject the message.

If there is already mistrust in the relationship, addressing an issue may validate suspicions rather than resolve them. In these cases, it may be better to wait so that you can gather more information and build trust first before engaging in confrontation.

Example: If a manager only gives employees negative feedback without recognizing their contributions, employees may assume their critiques are self-serving rather than constructive.

Ask yourself:

Does the other person trust my intentions?
Will they perceive my confrontation as helpful or self-serving?
How can I ensure my message is received constructively?

If your motives may be misunderstood, consider pausing to reframe your message.

Standards – When expectations are unclear

Conflict often arises when roles, responsibilities or expectations are ambiguous. If people are unaware of what is expected of them, or they are trying to hit a moving target, confrontation will feel unfair or manipulative.

Example: If an employee is criticized for not filing reports, but they were never told that this was part of their role, the confrontation will feel unjustified. A better approach would be clarifying responsibilities before addressing performance.

Before addressing an issue, ask yourself:

Have clear expectations been communicated?
Does the other person know what was expected of them?
Is this truly their responsibility, or is it an assumption I made?

If expectations are unclear or unspoken, pause to clarify them before confronting the person.

Environment – When the settings, circumstances, or timing are wrong

Even when a conversation needs to happen, time and place matter. If the person you need to confront is going through a personal crisis or under extreme stress, they may not be in the right headspace to engage in a constructive conversation. If you can’t be in a private setting, pause.

If you have reason to believe that external factors (such as a family emergency, financial stress, or work overload) are affecting them, it may be better to wait until they are in a better place to process the conversation.

Example: If a colleague is dealing with a major personal crisis, confronting them publicly is unlikely to be productive.

Ask yourself:

Is this the right moment, or will emotions make the situation worse?
Would waiting until we can talk privately allow for a more productive conversation?
Are there any other circumstances that make this conversation destructive right now?

While some conversations cannot be postponed indefinitely, pausing for a more suitable environment can increase the chances of a successful resolution.

Conclusion:

Know when to speak and when to PAUSE

Before engaging in confrontation, take a moment to PAUSE:

Priority – Is the issue unimportant?
Aim – Is your purpose unclear?
Understanding – Will your motives be misunderstood?
Standards – Are expectations unclear?
Environment – Are the setting, circumstances and timing wrong?

By considering these five factors, you can choose your battles wisely by avoiding situations where confrontation makes things worse than saying nothing at all.

Even when a confrontation doesn’t go perfectly, approaching it with trust, sincerity, and humility will almost always lead to stronger relationships and better long-term results. The more you practice knowing when to speak and when to pause, the more confident and effective you will become in handling difficult conversations.